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October 18, 2002 by Scott Hodgins Scott Hodgins

Tale of the Tape IV: World Series vs. BAI Retail Delivery

Things are tough all over, GonzoMongers. In a bank break room the other day, I literally saw a guy pump his fist and gleefully exclaim, “Hot damn, the Dow’s only down 50 today!” Now there’s a head-in-the-clouds optimist for you, Chachi.

No, the economy is queasier than we’d like to admit, and most everybody’s wallet is getting pinched like a baby’s cheeks at a grandma convention. Let’s face it, Fair Readers, you just can’t do everything you’d like to do anymore. We’re ordering Nova Scotia caviar rather than the Beluga from Russia. Going for the 87 octane rather than the usual 90. Before God and country, let me declare that red-blooded American males are going to the ATM before they go to the nudie bars to avoid the $5 surcharge! We’re all feeling it.

Choices. Indeed, this economy is bullying us into making some distasteful choices. And to add insult to injury, we have two momentous events simultaneously staring us squarely in the eye, sports fans. On one hand there’s the Anaheim Angels and the San Francisco Giants battling in the World Series, baseball’s crown jewel. And then at almost the exact same time you have BAI’s Retail Delivery Conference and Expo, the banking world’s answer to Comdex – minus the hookers. The air is juiced… “You going to BAI?” … “You have Series tickets?” You can taste the excitement like you just licked a fresh 9-volt battery.

But alas, I know these tight times have rendered most of us fiscally incapable of attending both the Series and BAI. The kids have to go to college, right? Which to choose, GonzoMongers?

Which to choose indeed…Eating hot dogs in left field or listening to hot dogs on the speaker’s podium? Hardballs off a batter’s melon or softballs lobbed by American Banker interviewers? Whose head will burst first from an over inflated ego – Jack Welch or Barry Bonds? Quite a choice, but fret not, comrades.

Let GonzoBanker’s Tale of the Tape IV: Major League Baseball’s World Series versus BAI’s Retail Delivery Conference guide you in spending your hard earned entertainment dollars wisely.


World Series



The Stars

Barry Bonds – SF

Kenny Lofton – SF

Uh… David Eckstein – Anaheim

Errrr… Chone Figgins – Anaheim

Rudy Giuliani – NYC

Jack Welch – Ex-GE

Sir George Mathewson – Royal Bank of Scotland

Terence Roche – Cornerstone Advisors

BAI – Hey, BAI snared a Sir!! A GonzoBanker and a duke or an earl or something at one gig? That’s richer than a Slayer/Metallica double bill.


Obese, dancing, shirtless guy hamming it up for the Jumbotron

Two words, bubba: Booth Babes!

BAI – They don’t even have cheerleaders at the World Series. Baseball sucks, Beavis.

Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink – Most Overused Double Entendre

“Time to unleash the rally monkey!”

“Care to learn about customer touchpoints together?”

World Series – I really hope some t-shirt vendor or toy maker is getting rich over the rally monkey. Viva La Rally Monkey!

Free Booze Availability

Nil. Stadium Heinekens will cost you $8.50 a pop, minimum, and mixed drinks require a co-signer.

Very, very high. Go to the vendors’ Meet & Greets, network, act interested, and guzzle to your heart’s content.

BAI. No explanation needed here, folks.

Is This a Joke?

Anaheim and San Francisco are playing in the World Freakin’ Series!! No lie! Yes, the Angels and the Giants! No, you’re not on Candid Camera.

11/8/2002: At 8:30 a.m. you can hear about a bank that has made “banking work for customers and clients ‘like it never has before.'” A bank that is building a company “in which every customer feels like the only customer.” The subject bank, you ask? Bank of America.

BAI – I think we all know more than one community banker who has retired early thanks to B of A’s customer service ineptitude. Go to this session for the grins alone.

Really Bad Headline

“Angels Pitching Heavenly in Giant Mismatch”

“Pundits Deliver Wholesale Wisdom at BAI Retail Expo”

Push – Either event will give copy editors the night sweats.

Most Frequently Asked Question

Will the Angels pitch to Bonds?

Do they take attendance at the pre-conference workshops?

BAI – The answer is yes, particularly at the “Managing Your Technology Strategy for Success” workshop at 8:30 a.m. on November 5.

After a Few Cocktails…

Savage bleacher brawls between rival fans; streakers eluding an elite security corps; littering field with batteries, plastic cups, blow-up dolls, and anything else that will carry

Whining over chicken wing grease dripped on a perfectly good sweater vest, positively vile exchanges regarding the true definition of CRM

World Series – Better hijinks in baseball, but just barely. I once saw a hammered banker do fairway donuts in a golf cart, and he spilled nary a drop…

Looks like you’ll be packing your bags for Atlanta, GonzoBankers. By a 5-2 vote the BAI Retail Delivery Expo proves to be the destination of choice for in-the-know banker types.

Smart money’s on the Giants in 6. Wake me when it’s over.

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