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December 7, 2007 by Scott Hodgins Scott Hodgins

Tale of the Tape VI: Year End

We’re screaming into December like a starving band of mortgage brokers, GonzoBankers. That’s right, year end is right around the corner. Holidays and hangovers. Bonuses and bile. Laughs and layoffs. Football and… well, more football! Yep, we have some serious time management issues facing us as both year end and the college football bowl season approach fast. With roughly 32 bowl games to be played in the next 30 days, we’re facing more college football than any honest man can traverse, but damn it all to the fiery depths of Hades, we also have the dreaded year end work crunch to trudge through. The tug-of-war can cause night sweats and perma-scowls.

But fret not, GonzoAmigos, we stand ready to help. GonzoBanker is your Magellan to help navigate the dizzying decisions now facing you in our next….

Tale of the Tape: Bank Year End vs. College Football





Unwelcome Presence CEO shows up at late-night number crunching session to show he’s a team player, immediately preventing any real work from getting done Kansas in a BCS game – lost to the only real team they played, invited instead of the team that beat them. Ridiculous. Kansas? This ain’t basketball. Year End – Hey, at least the CEO’s trying. I bet he even wore Dockers and a tie-less button down (sleeves rolled up) to show off his “common man” look.

Unwelcome Commentators Monday morning quarterbacking stock analysts Former Notre Dame coach Lou Holtz doing college football analysis in the studio


Year End – At least the analysts are taking an educated stab in the dark. I have no idea what the hell Lou’s talking about. Ever.
Food Late night pizzas, Chinese take-out, vending machine Ho Hos.


Mid-day pizzas, Chinese take-out, store-bought Ho Hos, beer


Football – Burp. No comment necessary.
Sophomoric Fun See who can read more of the CEO’s annual report letter without giggling like a drunken sorority girl Making fun of the inscription on the back of the Back Judge’s jersey


Year End – I once saw a proof machine operator make it all the way through the Vision Statement without even cracking a smile.
Best Cheerleaders HR sending the Accounting department a much-deserved basket of cookies and fudge USC – Though the school has lost its academic standards and its football team chronically underachieved this year, holy crap – that is one top notch squad of Rah! Rah! screamers Football – Have you seen those white sweaters?


Bumper Stickers Year End 2007 – The Year that Believing Our Own Mortgage Lending BS Built

Year End 2007 – Hey, at Least the Write-Offs were RECORD Write-Offs!

Repent! The End is Anon! Illinois is in a BCS Bowl!

Texas Longhorn Football – Rap Sheets to Make the 1990’s Miami Hurricanes Blush


Football – Let’s just get through this year’s numbers, hope we learned something (again) and move on.


Noticeably Missing CFO’s sense of humor The mighty Texas Longhorns… missing from the BCS bowls. Sure, we had three losses, but hell, HAWAII is in the BCS. Ha-freakin-waii!?? This is football, not some gnarly Hang 10 contest, brah.


Football – Longhorns get the edge in any category in which they are mentioned.  

Output Call Reports, SEC filings, glossy annual reports that explain the bad stuff was a series of one-time blips, while the good stuff was franchise-building Vision Clogged arteries, frazzled nerves, Victory, defeat, the crowning of a quasi-national champion and the Longhorns winning the Holiday Bowl over a nonchalant, wannabe ASU squad. If you know any ASU fans, call them after the game and inform them that they lost – because they won’t know. They are easily the most apathetic, lax group of fans in the country. Year End – There is no more entertaining fiction than a close read of an annual report.
Pull-Out Target Be done by January 5 or face the wrath of the C-Level Mafia


Click off TV only when a champion is crowned on January 7, and then send GonzoBanker’s own Eric Weikart an email and give him absolute hell about Ohio State getting outclassed by the SEC for the second straight year Year End – Finishing is the good part of year end. The end of college football is a day to reflect in teary-eyed remorse.

In the upset of the century, it’s Year End by 1/2 a Safety! Goes to show how dedicated our industry is – or how misaligned our priorities are…

Nothing heavy this week, team. Letting you sashay into the (holiday) Season before Cap’n Johnson dazzles you with some southern fried wisdom and insight next week. Have fun doing what you do over the holidays, GonzoBanker. Blow out the pipes a time or two and come back refreshed for an ass-kicking 2008!

(cut here)

The GonzoGuide to the 2007 Bowl Championship Series





Rose Bowl presented by Citi
Illinois vs. USC
Pasadena, CA

4:30 PM


Allstate Sugar
Hawaii vs. Georgia
New Orleans

8:30 PM


Tostitos Fiesta
Oklahoma vs. West Virginia
Glendale, AZ

8 PM


FedEx Orange
Virginia Tech vs. Kansas

8 PM


Allstate BCS Championship Game
LSU vs. Ohio State
New Orleans

8 PM


Besides the Longhorns over the sissified ASU Sun Devils in the Holiday Bowl, smart money’s on:

BCS Championship – LSU
Rose – USC
Sugar – Georgia
Fiesta – Oklahoma
Orange – VA Tech

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